It’s almost all the time that I feel this prickling tingling at the back of my neck, the intensifying goose bumps encompassing my whole body, the butterflies in my stomach, swarming conspiring with each other to take away my sanity for good.
It shakes up my sense, filling it with adrenaline, making a smoothie of nervousness that would win me over again as it always has for quite a while now. It gets on my nerves to just think about going out to just have fun, and enjoy life, I get tensed when actually going out, I get worried and feared of not being liked by others, even my own friends, I get annoyed by little things, I have too much emotionally-attached opinions, I get offended and discouraged by possibly anything.
My days are spent trying to fight this anxiety upon the cursed awareness of the acceleration of time passing by each day, the sound of the clock ticking, and changing colors of the sky. It is just too fast and overwhelming. The awareness of yourself aging every second that has pushed me once too often into this abyss of the paralysis of thoughts and actions, having me trapped and stuck in this figuratively zero-gravity space.
Eyes closed or not, you feel like you’re not attached to any items, to any particular thoughts, just an abstract body floating in darkness, in whiteness, in peace, waiting for something, for her sense to come back maybe, for her beginning? for her restart? or maybe just maybe her damnation to come and end her. I do imagine it would be ultimately and comfortably relaxing if we can actually float like that.
My days are spent striving to hold on to a surface, to just grab a hold on to something, to have a solid thought, a purpose, a goal to just keep my mind calm, to keep progressing, to have some sense of security that I really need. The security of friends, the security of family, the security of not losing people, the security of good friends being good friends no matter what, how do we not lose people? How do love people forever? And how do people not change? How do families stay together? How do we not mess up like ever How?
Do some people have this kinda thoughts too? Do they feel it too? Is this why people smoke weed? Became alcoholic? Do self-inflicted harms?
“What is this? What are you trying to say? Can you try to make more sense? Are you out of your mind?”, these are how most people typical people are going to react to these kind of thoughts, this is how they would comfort us and take care of us, and will always be there for us, as they always claimed. In reality, who cares, except your psychiatrist because you’d have to pay him/her for it.